Is John Kerry a Member of a Secret Fight Club?


photo by Haraz N. Ghanbari

Today I watched the State of the Union Address.  It was a good speech, whatever.  What really was the shocker of the night was to see Senator John Kerry with a completely obliterated face.  I mean this guy looked like a raccoon!  They really only showed him a couple of times but there was one shot that focused straight on him for a good 10.5 seconds.  He had bruises all around his eyes as well as a little below his temples.  His nose was definitely broken, it was all bent and huge like Owen Wilson. I watched it on a giant HD screen so I saw it in full detail.  His bruises were in some sort of transition stage because they were still sort of black but some were not as severe. These had turned an olive green and some were even a bit yellow ochre.  And if I’m not too mistaken there was some yellow and white crust in the corners of his eyes  My first reaction was, “Is he in a secret fight club? He must be.  Some of the Senators are probably in the same club.  I’d buy that.”  


Upon further research of  internet news sites I found out that over the Congressional Christmas break Senator Kerry had played a “friendly hockey game” in which he was beaten with a hockey stick by someone he would not name. I can only imagine what the reporters probably asked him, “Senator Kerry why do you like shit?”, or, “Who beat your ass Senator Kerry?” or even, “Senator Kerry, is it true that your wife pushed you down those stairs?”


 After the information I gathered about fight clubs, I know that individuals within different regions of fight clubbery in the United States sometimes like to mix it up a bit.  Some sects don’t just fight with their fists or their legs but also like to use weapons which very often are just simple household items.  These items include cookie sheets, ladles, colanders, and monkey wrenches.  Often times these are fights that occur in garages, so the immediacy of available weapons is very unpredictable and spontaneous and the items mostly consist of things at the host house.  Perhaps a couple of hockey sticks were in the arena where John Kerry fought.  In most garages this  would be very likely.  It is also a proven fight club fact that participants do not talk about fight club outside of fight club.  This is a universal rule for all North American fight clubs. This may explain why John Kerry would not reveal who hit him with a hockey stick in the said “friendly hockey match”.  Cleary there is more to this than meets the eye.