Ok so much to Huey Crowley’s delight I haven’t kept up with a project I started in May entitled “One Collage A Day, Forever” which involves me posting a collage I’ve made every day on Facebook. For one reason or another I didn’t have scanner or internet access since my final post in August. BUT, now I have both, a fresh new website, and a revamped flickr site at http://www.flickr.com/calvinwhitehurst . So here it is my first collage post in a long time.
"Stop Cutting Up the Persian Rug Material Into Smaller Pieces With A Hunting Knife" 5.5" X 4" Paper and found images
For the past year or so I have used a service on Yahoo.com called Yahoo! Answers. Basically you can ask any question of the Yahoo community, give a short explanation, and within a couple of minutes you get several answers. Sometimes this can be a great way to get rediculously serious answers to your stupid problems that could otherwise be solved using a search engine. Now I am not quite certain if you can call me an internet troll for this but I like to ask risky and completely false questions. In fact most of the time my questions get flagged very fast, especially questions dealing with Justin Bieber. Yes most of the individuals answering/asking on this site are middle school girls but you never know who or what will come about from sharing your problems. Here are a few questions that I have posted using the psuedonym Martin Shanginski. After each question are some of my favorite answers. Please keep in mind that these are satirical and meant for comedic purposes only. If you don’t have a sense of humor just don’t even read on.
Alligators getting bigger PLEASE HELP:(?
A couple of months a ago I bought a baby crocodile from a street vendor in LA’s fashion district. I kept it in a fishtank for awhile but then it got bigger so i kept it in a small kiddy pool in the studio of my studio apartment. Now in the last month or so it resides in the bathtub. It has gotten so large in the last month its like exponential. Should i flush it? Its been getting in fights with my iguana and all it does is hiss loudly at me when I feed it Sam’s Club chicken breasts. Should I flush it?
Tim D wrote: You could attempt to sell via the net, or offer it to a zoo, gator farm or college biology department. If you can’t handle it safely anymore, there must be animal control people down there. It’s surely too big by now to be flushed; I don’t think you were serious about that. 🙂
diskitty wrote: sold ill gve u £75 cash hands no questions yooooooooooooooooo
My cat Snickers got in a fight with a large squirrel and she is foaming at the mouth hours later?
Snickers is reminding me a lot of the dog that got bit by disease infested zombies from the future in ‘ I am Legend’. Shes also acting kind of like that guy in Spiderman that gets bit by a spider. Do you think she has a super strand of rabies engineered by irresponsible scientists? or did she get injected with highly toxic squirrel venom, also known as HTSV, and she is now becoming a squirrel-cat or Scrat? or is this just where squirrels come from?
Frankie wrote: Rabies takes days to manifest. not hours. Take your cat to a vet to be quarantined. they will keep the cat and monitor it for about ten days. if your cat shows symptoms of rabies, they will have to put it to sleep. Your assumptions are really childish. take the cat to a vet.
My reply: Thank you. i took your advice and had my cat put down at the vet first thing this morning. I’m kind of sad snickers is gone but happy because i have a lot extra dry cat food to feed to the squirrels.
My dog Snickers ate a Snickers and is puking uncontrollably?
I induced vomitting with syrup of ipicac which made things worse cause now all he does is vomit and won’t stop. The vet is not an option because I spent all my money on syrup of ipicac and Snickers candy bars. what should i do???!!!
I Know Everything wrote: Let him puke it up- that’s a good thing.
Ezio Auditore wrote: you shouldn’t feed him chocolate or anyhthing like tthat!!!!!!!! chocolate is poison for animals, if you feed them chocolate, they’ll die!!!!
S Z wrote: You have a cat AND a dog named Snickers?? wow, must get confusing at your place
I think I got my girlfriend pregnant on purpose and now I have some regrets?
Last night I was afraid my girlfriend was going to dump me so i poked a hole in a condom with a pin and busted a nut inside of her. I got the idea from a Weeds episode I watched with my mom. I am really scared and confused right now. I’m only 13 and shes 16. please help!!!!
Brian wrote: Wow homie ima tell u straight up im goin thru problems right now hoping that my woman aint pregnant and a baby is sumthin you dnt want at ur age so if shes pregnant you can thank the weeds episode so you ****** up big time my friend and im not tryna sound mean im being real right now your life will change b4 your eyes if you got that girl pregnant
Terra wrote: If i could, i’d like to slap you right now. Whats done is done! Now you got to wait a month to find out.
thisGirl wrote: if i were that girl, id really be pissed
nice going jerk
you could ruin her life and yours both
where’s your common sense? geez
Elizabet wrote: deal with the consequences jerk.
ace of hearts wrote: tell her the truth. i hope she slaps the shitt outta you
Bunny wrote: Good job, jerk.
Sarah wrote: plan b my friend, and this is the best most ive seen haha
What is a discreet way to spy on kids in the park?
already tried a box with three holes cut in it
Variable 46 wrote: How about from inside a jail cell.
John wrote: You could purchase a ghilly suit and hide among some bushes…works well most of the time.
Or purchase a van and make it look like an ice cream truck, then spy on kids from the van.
You could install a small spy camera near the playground…that’d be expensive though.
If nothing works, just call my friend P. Edo Bear. He’s a genius!
myeatyou wrote: Hide in the fiberglass crocodile!!!
Sean Brady wrote: just try it i dare u.
ill be ontop of u so hard and fast ull forget wat planet u live
My first experience with pepper spray was a couple of years ago at an underage drinking party. It was at my friend Jake’s house and he had a bunch of people over on a Friday night for no reason other than a few cases of Miller High Life (do you call them ‘Lives” in this case?). Anyways I was sitting in an easy chair in the corner of his parents’ basement and to the right of me was a bookcase. Right next to the Book of Mormon was a strange looking object that was black with a red top. I thought it was some sort of pocket knife but a style I had never seen before, so i picked it up and examined it. It wasn’t a knife, after further examination, but appeared to be some sort of cologne. I released the safety on accident and as I pressed the button a friend of mine ran at me and yelled “NO CALVIN! THAT’S….”, but it was too late, I had already released a small cloud of pepper spray and he ran right into it. He hit the floor in a coughing fit and puked a tiny little bit conveniently a few inches a way from the basement’s drain. I was a bit scathed by the cloud as well because I couldn’t stop sneezing for the next ten minutes. Needless to say the basement erupted with laughter.
This year has been quite a year for pepper spray as well. With all of the protests and civil unrest that has occurred, cops can’t help but get crazy with the stuff. Sure they could just beat the hell out of everybody that stands in their way but that would take effort and there are only so many doughnut eating hours in one day. So pepper spray is a more efficient method for getting rid of a crowd students or a mob of occupiers that just won’t leave. Of course this is completely legal and God knows we don’t really need excessive force to deal with civil disobedience. However there has been some backlash to the spraying and some new ethical questions about who, when, and how you spray. In Seattle a 19 year old pregnant woman and an 84 year old woman got sprayed during an Occupy protest, dramatic pictures ensued and they became instant martyrs for the movement. Also at UC Davis in California a group of student Occupiers seated somewhere on the campus lawn were doused with pepper spray by UC Davis Police Lt. John Pike. With photographers everywhere the officer’s actions went viral on the internet and John Pike’s character became a MEME. His MEME is one of my personal favorites because there is no end to what he will spray next. I especially like the ones where he is spraying figures in famous paintings or spraying extremely vulnerable individuals. He has become the ultimate symbol of police laziness and negligence. Instead of spending all that time zip cuffing each and every one of the students, bringing them down to the station and filling out all that cumbersome paperwork, lets just spray them all in about two minutes and send them home crying. There was a lot of outrage over these incidents, as if police had never done this sort of thing before. However, I say get real, its been happening for years. They used to throw canisters of tear gas. Since the sixties protestors half way expect to get brutalized, why do you think these cases were documented so well? I really wasn’t surprised by an old woman getting bombed in the face and I wasn’t surprised either when students who were sitting down for an Occupy picnic got a mass spray. Police relish the opportunity to deal with these sorts of things, that is why they got into the business in the first place. Do you think they enjoy it when there is nobody in need of a good macing? I rest my case.
Tell me he isn't trying to hold back a huge grin.